Hands on the Heart
by MasterofHearts1313
Summary: Hey, I just thought I'd do a quick, funny UsoPero oneshot. Sort of an idea of what could happen after the crew got back together. Rated T for suggestive humor.


Hey, I'm just a big supporter of the Usopp/Perona pairing, and I think there needs to be at least one story for it, even if it is a oneshot.

Oh, and this story is supposed to be like after the Straw Hat crew gets back together after being separated by Bartholomew Kuma (so this is pretty much non-canon, as the crew has not gotten back together yet).

A Hand on the Heart

Usopp was sitting on the bed in his cabin, tinkering with kabuto. He felt the trajectory of his master weapon was off a little bit in the last battle, so he was using his trusty screwdriver to realign it. Such an error could cost him his life in the next battle the Straw Hats would encounter. If not his, it could cost the life of one of his teammates. With bad trajectory, he could end up hitting one of them by mistake, and that's a risk he didn't want to take.

This limber, speedy, cowardly, lying sniper had a lot of respect for his teammates, even if they rarely seemed to show him any respect. Ever since he had given Nami her weapon, she rarely even gave him a second look anymore, and Chopper would probably praise and worship a rock, as long as you told him it had special powers, so his praise sometimes got to be a little old at times for Usopp. However, if he were to ever receive credit from any of his teammates, he would have to work harder on his fighting skills.

"Eeeeeeeeh!" Usopp dropped his screwdriver, and his mouth hung open in shock. A sudden eerie and cold feeling had surged through him and around his heart. Very much like fear itself, Usopp could feel his breathing become labored and stiff. The reaction was only momentary, though, as he quickly jumped off of his bed and pointed accusingly at the arms sticking out of it. "Would you quit doing that!? You're going to give me a heart attack!"

"Horohorohorohoro." This strange laughter belonged to a girl with long, bubblegum pink hair and a large red crown. Perona. She made herself visible by phasing the rest of the way through the bed. She laughed her strange "horo" laugh as she pointed mockingly at Usopp. "Isn't that the idea?"

"No, it's not!" Usopp growled. He clenched one of his fists and shook it as he stomped his right foot in the ghost girl's direction. "Zoro seems to trust you just fine, and Luffy seems to like your freak powers, but if it were up to me, I wouldn't have even let you on the boat."

"Same feelings here." Perona crossed her arms and legs as she floated in the air, and she gave a very wide pout. "Zoro and Luffy might keep you from attacking me, and I don't get to attack you either, so it looks like the only way I can kill you is through a heart attack."

"Oh, like that's not considered an attack?" Usopp through his arms in the air and waved them around wildly. "It has the word 'attack' in it. Not to mention that you still touch me for most of these tricks of yours."  
"Nuh-uh." Perona held up a scolding finger. "I can't touch you while I'm in ghost form. I can only stick my hands through you." She smiled as she lunged herself through the air, sticking her hands back into Usopp's chest.

The long-nosed boy screamed as the hands entered him. On reflex, he waved his hands through the ghost girl again and again, though it didn't make her so much as flinch. "Get out. Get out! GET OUT!" He pulled a bullet out of his pack and held kabuto only an inch from Perona's face. "Ageha Ryusei!" He fired, but the bullet passed straight through her and blew a fair-sized hole in the inner walls.

Perona laughed as she turned to look at the hole. "Oh, you're going to be in trouble now."

"You made me do it!" Usopp fumed as he shouted incomprehensible gibberish at Perona. He stomped back and forth and made a huge overall frenzy. "You think you're so clever with those stupid ghost powers of yours! But you're not all that great!" He patted his heart a few times and sighed deeply. "Why do you feel the need to stick your hands through my chest, anyways?"

"Because it's fun." Perona crossed her arms and pouted again as she turned back to Usopp. "That cute little reindeer just runs away, and everybody laughs at me. Well, Nami seemed scared when I first taunted her, but she's ignoring me now." She furrowed her brow and smiled grimly as she pointed at Usopp. "Besides, you are my enemy."

"I don't care if we're enemies! As much as I hate it, we're crewmates now!" Usopp pointed back at Perona. "So quit being so freaky and leave me alone!"

"No." Perona nodded simply before charging at Usopp again. She seemed to like making Usopp feel awkward a lot as she had stuck her legs through all the way so their pelvises were in the same area of space at the same time, one arm went through his chest, where his heart was, and the other went clean through his throat. She laughed at the following scream and spaz attack of the boy.

"Okay! That is it!" Usopp pulled away from the ghost princess and charged to his door. "Now let's see how much you like being picked on!"

"Hey wait!" Perona's eyes grew wide in fear as she flew after Usopp. "Where are you going?"

The two had burst through the door and down the hall just as Zoro was passing by. The green-haired swordsman sighed and palmed his face. "What are those two up to now?" He trudged slowly along. "Whatever it is, I better make sure they don't kill each other."

After the crew had gotten back together, Franky had built a new ship to accommodate some of the expanded crew members, like Heracles and Boa Hancock and the now somewhat antagonistic Perona. Though the ship was nothing short of massive, Usopp had been able to run the length in only a few seconds, coming to a quick stop in front of a room with a crowned teddy bear carved into the front of it. He threw the door open and ran inside.

"Don't go into my room!" Perona screeched as she flew after him. Her eyes were growing ever wider as she went along. Usopp's speed had even surprised her. As she entered her room, though, she began screaming.

Standing over the unconscious, corporeal body of Perona was Usopp. He was turned to face the door, using his left hand to keep kabuto balanced on his shoulders. His right hand was hanging eerily over the limp body. His hat hung at just the angle to make him appear more sinister than anything else in creation. "So, you won't leave me and my body alone, huh? Well, now you're going to pay the price!"

Though common sense would've dictated that Perona fly back to her body to try to escape, she just screamed louder, holding both of her fists near her chin out of concern and anticipation. "What are you doing!?"  
Of course, two other crew members appeared in the open doorway as well, Nami and Sanji.

"What is going on down here?" Nami folded her arms. "Really, there's enough screaming down here to wake the dead."

"No kidding." Sanji puffed silently as he stared at Usopp. "Really, Usopp, are you pestering Perona again? I know you guys don't like each other, but this is starting to get really old."  
"What's next isn't old at all, Sanji." Usopp's smile grew rather malicious, his mindframe set into character for his next fear. His eyes were glued on Perona. "Really, Perona, you think it's funny sticking your hands into my chest, threatening to crush my heart, even though you can't. Well, here's your comeuppance." His eyes grew wide and wild. "For I can actually put enough force behind my hand to stick through someone's chest and have to strength to crush their heart to a pulp."  
"What?" Perona became absolutely frantic as she flailed around in the air. "You can't! Don't."  
"You're right. He can't." Nami sighed.

"These incessant lies of yours really boggle the mind sometimes, Usopp." Sanji released a slow stream of smoke. "If you two hate each other so much, why don't you just stay out of each other's rooms? It causes a lot less trouble in the end."

"This has grown too far out of hand for that, Sanji!" Usopp's fingers glued themselves together in the form of a spearhead. "This can only end with one of us dying, and I don't feel like losing my life yet."

"You wouldn't!" Perona held out a terrified hand. "You can't."

"We already established this." Nami shrugged. "Usopp can't even punch his way through a piece of paper, let alone human skin. He's lying. It's what he does."

"Huh?" Perona turned around to face Nami. "He's lying."

"Like he does all the time." Nami nodded smartly. "If something doesn't go right for Usopp, he lies about it. It's his key way of getting out of trouble."

"Are you really going to believe her, Perona?" Usopp pulled his right arm up like he was setting the trigger for a gun. "She's not the one who holds your future, or lack thereof, in the balance."

"Uh..." Perona turned around, her eyes become the white and black targets that they always do whenever she was surprised or frightened. "But what if you are lying?"

"Then you wouldn't need to worry." Usopp's smile became a little more twisted. "However, you wouldn't know for sure until after it happens, now would you?"

"Don't listen to him, Perona." Sanji shrugged shrugged his shoulders and closed his eyes. "I don't even know why I'm listening to him. I should get to cooking dinner."

"Who are you going to believe, Perona?" Usopp's eyes grew so wide that they looked bloodshot. "If you believe me, there is a way out." He drummed his fingers on kabuto. "All you'd have to do is promise to never stick your hands in my body again."

"Eh?" Perona looked between Usopp and the two in the doorway. Her head kept shooting back and forth, feeling herself become more and more worried with each movement.

"Oh, don't tell me you believe him." Nami rolled her eyes. "This has to be the most obvious lie I've ever seen."

"Not the most outrageous lie ever. It's a common bluff." Sanji gestured to Usopp. "I mean, he's tried to get people to believe that he could carry five tons before."

"I guess that's true." Nami shook her head in disbelief. "Picking up heavy things still seems a little more believable than sticking your hands through someone's body."

Perona, however, was having a great deal of trouble. Having never had to take someone else's opinion on anything before, and not being used to all of this stress, she couldn't think straight. She only reacted as she would under normal circumstances. "Negative Hollow!" She shot a hand towards Usopp, and a stringy ghost flew towards the young man.

Usopp took the hit directly. He wavered slightly, but was pretty much unphased by the attack. In fact, he chuckled as he stood straight up. "Did you forget? I'm already negative, and that was a bad move on your part." With a quick snap of his shoulder, his hand shot straight down at the limp body.

The hand moved to fast for any eye to see, but the result was evident, and it took quite a toll on the others in the room. Snaji's jaw dropped, and his cigarette fell out of his mouth, landing pitifully on the floor. Nami jumped back, shock written all over her face. Perona was foaming at the mouth, her ghostly self falling backwards on itself.

A long pause filled the room as the three left standing stared at each other. The awkward silence ended as a cartoonish 'boing' echoed through the room, and fingers squished into shirt-covered flesh.

Apparently snapping back into reality, Usopp blinked a few times, smiling. "Well, now, maybe you'll see things my way next ti-Aye!" He screamed horribly when he looked at where his hand was.

"Usopp!" Sanji was fuming, grating his teeth together so hard that sparks were coming out of his mouth. Fire blazed in his eyes. "What do you think you're doing?"

"What does it look like he's doing?" Nami calmly rapped the blond man on the forehead with a couple of her knuckles. "We both knew he couldn't penetrate skin."

"But sweet Nami," Sanji pointed threateningly at Usopp, "Aren't you also offended by Usopp's actions?"

"Maybe if someone other than you were accusing him." Nami held her hand out to Sanji. "Really, you're sayign that as though you wouldn't have tried doing the same thing to me."

"You jerk!" Realizing she wasn't dead , Perona returned to a vertical position. "Don't go groping me while I'm unconscious. That's so rude."

Nami and Sanji sweatdropped. "You're only upset with him because you're unconscious right now?"

"Well, duh." Perona pointed at Usopp's groping hand. "It makes him look like a real pervert. It's like when Absalom used his invisibility to sneak into the shower!" Perona folded her arms and huffed. "It's just so rude."

Smiling nervously, Usopp pulled his hand away from Perona's breast faster than he had placed it there. His blush was horrendous, and he was sweating enough that he could've drowned himself in it. He needed something to save face, and he came up with the lie quicker than anything. He held his chin very scholarly and closed your eyes. "Actually, I'm rather surprised. Your body looks almost stick thin. By far, one of the thinnest bodies I've ever seen, and yet you have a very large set of breasts. At least as large as Nami's, if not larger. Not to mention that they're surprisingly soft, despite their firm appearance."

"What!?!" Nami began to vent alongside Sanji. "I can't believe you, Usopp. Quit acting like you're some sort of doctor. Or better yet, quit acting like Sanji!"

"Yeah! Quit acting like- Hey!" Sanji must have been smoking too deeply, for it almost looked like fire was coming out of his mouth. "This is an outrage!"

"Eh, what's going on here?" Zoro walked into the sight of the doorway. "With all this screaming and shouting and arguing, you're going to drive every ship in the Grand Line insane." He looked into Perona's room. "There isn't any trouble here, is there?"

Blanching slightly, Perona's ghost form flew back into her body. Once whole, she sat up and smiled innocently. "I don't know. Everyone just converged on my room."

"What? But weren't you just-" Nami turned to Zoro. "Didn't you here what Perona was just screaming about?"

"Usopp has been acting most unruly." Sanji pointed into the room. "He's being completely disrespectful."

Zoro looked back into the room at the two childish members of the crew, then back at Sanji and Nami. "Looks like Perona and Usopp are actually getting along for once." He sighed and pushed the two outside of the room down the hall. "Come on. Let's go see about fixing dinner or something. There's a hole in Usopp's room that Franky needs to see about repairing."

"But Zor-" Nami and Sanji both stopped as Zoro stared down at them. They silently turned around and walked off.

"You two are getting along, right?" Zoro raised an eyebrow at Perona and Usopp. "Or am I mistaken?"

Usopp began sweating under Zoro's gaze. Clumsily dropping kabuto in the process, he held his hands up defensively. "Don't worry, Zoro, old pal. We're getting along just fine now."

"Yeah." Perona laughed nervously as her eyes were trained on the three swords at his waist. "Nothing's wrong here."

"Good." Zoro nodded lazily and turned down the hall. He pinched the bridge of his nose as he closed the door. "I swear, this is getting ridiculous." His footfalls could be heard as he went down the hall.

Usopp sighed in relief, dropping his hands. "Hey, I really owe you one on that. I have no idea how Zoro would have reacted if he knew I-" He turned to face the ghost princess, only to see her limop body on the bed. His eyes grew wide as a chill went through his chest, and the two hands sticking out of it made him scream and run to the other side of the room. "I told you to quit doing that."

"That was for lying." Perona huffed and pouted. "Really, of all the cheap gimmicks. I was able to avoid all of Absalom's perversion and yet I couldn't keep you from groping me." She pointed accusingly at Usopp, crocodile tears spilling out of her eyes. "You jerk!"

"What? Me?" Usopp stomped back and forth, whirling his hands in the air. "I might have groped you, but at least I'm not obsessed with your body! Quit messing around with me!"

"What?" Perona's eyes grew wide, and she covered her mouth with her hand. "A boy who isn't interested in a girl's body. Who doesn't like a girl touching him." She tripped backwards in the air, despite being intangible, and tears were pouring from her eyes. "You don't make any sense. This is like you're being negative."

"Huh?" Usopp stopped ranting as he stared at the girl. "What are you talking about now?" He furrowed his brow and pointed at the ghostly Perona. "Don't go accusing me of such a thing!"  
"Why are you being so mean to me?" Perona shuddered. "I hate you."

"Like I like you?" Usopp folded his arms and humphed, sticking his long nose up in the air. "I already told you to keep away, and you won't."

"You're so mean!" Perona stood up, throwing a tantrum like a child. "I'm only scaring you because you were a jerk to me back in the castle. What did you do to me after I passed out?"

"Nothing!" Usopp cringed at the implied comment. "You think I'm some pervert? I already told you how annoying it is when you stick your hands in my body."  
"Well then." Perona flew into her mortal body. After waking up, she stood up and marched over to Usopp. "Listen here, Needlenose. Don't touch my body while I'm not in it."

"Then don't touch my body while you're not in yours!"

Another awkward silence fell over the room as the two stared at each other, both faces growing a bright pink.

"Then here, pervert!" Perona punched Usopp across the face. "Wish I could go through you're body now?"

"What kind of question is that?" Usopp rubbed his cheek, though the untrained punch hadn't done much to hurt him. "It's not like I want you to hit me, but I completely hate it when you stick your hands through my body."  
"Well," Perona stood boldly before her enemy, "what about you?" She spread her arms out wide. "I'm conscious now."

"And what do you expect me to-" Usopp's jaw dropped slightly with realization. He flinched backwards. "I'm not a pervert!"

"How am I supposed to believe that?" Perona placed her hands on her hips. "You've already threatened to kill me, and you apparently enjoy lying."

"But I'm not a pervert." Usopp leaned forward in fury. He was close enough that his long nose touched Perona's short one. "Don't you get it? That was an impulsive action to get you to see that I don't like what you do to me."

"Is that so?" Perona furrowed her brow as she glared back at Usopp. After a moment, she smirked and tipped her head back a little. She leaned forward again to catch the end of Usopp's nose.

"Yaaaah!" Usopp leaped back from Perona, his face nearly glowing. "What are you doing? We hate each other!"

"And it can stay that way," Perona walked up and flicked Usopp on the nose, "as long as you don't tell the others otherwise."

"Uh..." Usopp's face grew rather blank at the answer. He looked to be completely zoned out.

"By the way." Perona took hold of the end of Usopp's nose and shook it a little bit. "Do you think that reindeer doctor of yours could be like Doctor Hogback and replace this beak of yours for a real one. Something colorful, like a toucan's." She clapped her hands together and sighed in wonder, her eyes beginning to shine. "And maybe we could replace your arms with bear arms, but we can keep the hands. Oh, and wings. Well, we'd have to find the right pair for you, buck you would definitely look good with some zebra skin or elephant ears. Maybe we should go with an elephant trunk instead of a beak. Oh, you'll look so adorable."

"Whaaaaaaaaat?" Usopp began throwing a fit again. "Don't decide things like that without me!"

---

I've seen a lot of One Piece, but I'm not sure. Has anybody been groped. It seems like the sort of show with grope jokes.

Anyways, I hope that I kept everyone in character. I try my best to do that, but I'm not always sure about how readers interpret it.

As for any real notes, I just like the UsoPero pairing a lot and wish there were at least a few stories for it. They're both such cowardly littles snitches with childish temperaments, and it seems like a potential future love-hate relationship.

Also, for those who have read ahead in the manga and know that Usopp gets fat while the crew's separated, but I figured they'd slim him back down again as soon as the crew got back together.

Please, enjoy and review.


End file.
